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Ultimate Muscle Roller Championship – Review

If you’ve ever played a kart racing game in elimination mode and thought aloud, “whomever comes last should now become my sex slave” – well I have the game for you. Ultimate Muscle Roller Championship is a BDSM gym themed kart racer that is sadly less fun or engrossing than the first half of this sentence. Some smutty humour aside, this is one of the worst racing games I’ve played in recent years.

Riding your chariot is weightless but also cumbersome as if you’re driving a tank with wings.

Choosing from one of six muscle men in a battle for gym power, you’ll grab hold of your fellow gym buddy and enslave them into being your chariot. This means a second character will be a wheelbarrow for you to ride, using dumbbells as wheels. Each character has set positions and this allows you to ride them slightly suggestively. There’s a “phrase” button that depending on your set up lets you slap the guys arse or stomp their crotch. You get a badly recorded ooh or scream. It doesn’t add a boost. It serves zero function. It’s just there for some very base humour.

That’s half the problem with the game. This could have been a great twisted theme but nothing is done with it. Then you have the added problem that the tracks are woefully designed, sometimes AI breaking and have checkpoints the AI can’t seem to cross at times. The final track sees you drive around the outline of a man and then drive up its sphincter. Doing this first wins you the game and lets you unlock some different clothing or a new character. The controls are delayed, lacking feeling and the game chugs along at an inconsistent framerate. Sometimes your character gets stuck in the environment and sometimes forward and reverse don’t work unless you button mash it to seemingly wake the game up.

AI regularly miss checkpoints and characters just get stuck in the scenery. It is a painful experience.

For a game that is largely an absolute mess, there is some ambition. Multiplayer has online lobbies and tracks have a day/night lighting and even some weather effects. They don’t seem to add or do anything but the attempt was there. Sadly online is broken too – the menu wouldn’t let me switch between unlocked characters.

I thought Ultimate Muscle Roller Championship might have given me some Cho Aniki vibes. Crazy, homoerotic weirdness with a playable or strange game to unpick. This is an unfinished and almost unplayable bare bones kart game with a few gimp masks and sexual sound effects thrown in to make it memeable and edgy. It is an insult to release a game in this state regardless of its theme or adult nature – it just feels dirty all round. Avoid at all costs.

Review copy was provided by publisher.

Ultimate Muscle Roller Championship
Final Thoughts
Easily one of the worst kart racing games I've played in years. I wanted some cheap laughs. Instead, I was the one being laughed at. This is the most generous 2.5 I've given in my life.
Positives
There's a few moments of funny theming of the homoerotic gym turned kart racer.
Negatives
Racing handles like a floating truck.
Tracks are built so poorly that in some areas you can barely drive over the jagged ground.
AI can't complete laps on the some of tracks or have serious issues doing so when they do manage it.
Soundtrack is a couple of very poor songs shouting about sex and it gets old fast.
Online lobbies are broken, options don't change properly and races freeze.
2.5
Terrible
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